Moving on.

Lets not think about love for a second,I've been talking so much about love and other things that has forced me to change over this past year,but for a second let me be completely unselfish and try to talk about something other than myself.
So what if I got my heartbroken,it is equally my fault as it was his.
My fault because I trusted him,his fault,well obviously because he broke my trust.
This battle of blame is never ending..so today i'm going to let go of all the anger,of all the disappointing,and all the pitty.

Sure it's a good thing to be friends with your ex,obviously they meant the world to you at some point in your life,but at this moment when you're sitting here thinking of that person,are they thinking about u?
Perhaps.There is a rare chance that person is thinking about you.
Out of 100 ill give it a 1% chance that he is thinking about me right now and if he is,I advise him to let go,as i am now.
What good comes out of thinking about the person you loved? Nothing.
At this moment,i'm not there and he isn't here.
Whatever we do is not going to affect that person directly in anyway anymore.
The day you decided to break that bond of trust was the day you gave that person the freedom to do whatever the hell they wanted without ever having to think about how it was going to effect you.

Let the pitty party end,that's what I say.
Tired of being unhappy? Then do something about it goddammit and stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Don't ever let someone else's perspective of you change the way you look at yourself.
We're all old enough to know what we're doing right,and what we're doing wrong.We sure as hell don't need someone else to tell us in anyway what mistakes we've done.

People like to gloat,that's what I've learned.
Yesterday, I told my ex something and I did not expect him to be kind about it,nor did I expect him to be rude.I've had my wake up call already and I did not need him to throw one at my face.

I'm letting go,I'm moving on...its about time that i did.

You should always remember that you are the only person you can count on.When things get rough there will be some people around you to help you out but at the end of the day the only person you will listen to is yourself,because you know what is best for you better than anyone else.

No matter how much I love him, I am strong enough to say that I love myself more than to be a slave of his love.
No matter how many bad things I have done,no one has the right to call me by any name.

Word of advice: Before u go pointing fingers,make sure your hands are clean...Before you go calling names,make sure you aren't worthy of that name yourself.

Its easy to just run your mouth out without thinking about consequences but one day it'll catch up to you,all the things you say will eventually come right back and bite you in the ass.Trust me,i speak from experience.

Inevitable change.

When I think about life I don't only think of the things that are going on right now or what I might be faced with in the future..but for some strange reason I always,always think about my past and not just about the recent years but back to when I was a child.

To think of the problems I faced back then compared to the things i'm going through right now,seems like a piece of cake.

Teaching kinder-garden has taught me more than I imagined I would learn.For me this job was just a way to make money and pass my time,but its a lot more than that..to see the problems the kids face daily,not only at school but at home too and to try to understand it from their point of view,changes my perspective on things.

Little do they know that from here on out its just going to get bigger and bigger,not only the problems but the good things too.

If i could go back,and change it all,i'm most certain that i wouldn't want to do that.Sure I've made mistakes in my life,big ones,but I am who I am today because of those mistakes.I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm fortunate that I am still young,I can change the person who I am going to become but I wouldn't want to change the person I was just because it would guarantee a happier present.I can see how this might come off as,some might say its stupid,but to me this is completely logical.

You don't want to wake up one day and  have this opportunity for a completely different life,its a big risk.

There is a reason why we live life once,all that we're suppose to do has to be done,just once.There is no rewind button,there is no pause and there sure as hell isn't a delete button,and in a way its a blessing.

When you're at a point in your life, trying to define the person who you have become in plain simple words,you realize that its harder than you expected,because we never stay the same.Change is inevitable,the only thing that remains the same is change itself.

We're constantly growing,trying to find ourselves and when we finally have an answer,something happens and we got to change all over again.

Nothing is written in stone,who's to say that you're suppose to be a certain way?.You be who you want to be,be someone who you are proud of,don't do things that cause you shame.

The world isn't split into good people and bad..we've got light and dark in us,its up to us to decide which part to act on.

Wisdom of 2012

On New-years eve,I wasn't quite feeling it..didn't want 2012 to start just yet cause I hadn't figured shit out.

I guess I wanted to be ready,I wanted to know exactly what I was looking for when I entered the new year.

Fresh mind,fresh start..But instead I entered it with memories of the past year,each and every damn memory.

2011 changed me big time...

-I lost 2 of my grandparents,The only grandparents I had left

-I fell in love.

-I graduated high school.

-I said goodbye to my best mates.

-I found out my mother was ill,watched her almost die.

-I started to work,my first real job ever.

-I got my heart broken.

-I started cooking.

-I let go of a bad habit.

-I made some mistakes,I hurt some feelings.

-I failed a few subjects,but eventually passed them.

All these things just off the top of my head,i can't possibly imagine writing every single thing that happened.

Basically in the midst of all this,I realized that I had grownup,I was now an adult.

I know im going to make mistakes and it doesnt matter,i dont expect myself to be perfect,that wud be weird..even for me but now i think i should start taking things seriously, I've already illuminated the people from my life that didn't mean anything,there is no reason to keep these people around,no room for unnecessary drama. 

It took me about a day to ease into the fact that it was actually 2012 and then I started to think about how this could be the new beginning I was looking for,a whole new year,12months.I could do everything right this time.

Evaluate myself and start a new book.,screw the next chapter.. It was time for an entire new book..

Let's call it 18 and above.

Midnight clarity.

So i'm sitting in my balcony,its sort of a late night ritual and I see an airplane passing by..I cannot help but think about the song "airplanes" and my ind wonders to the days where i was so desperate for a wish,that I'd wish upon an airplane.

As I sit here and look at the airplane pass me by I feel calm,because today i do not have a wish to make,today i don't find myself in a situation where I feel desperate enough to result to these methods.Something that did not even make sense,but I did it.

Songs have a way of talking to us,making us do illogical things.
Would we have thought of  making a wish on an airplane before? I know i never did.
Desperate times look for desperate measures and now as i sit here,i cannot even remember the things i had wished for.

If you really need something,all you have to do is pray to God.What is a plane going to do,or a shooting star for that matter?.These unbelievable idiocracies have become a part of our lives that we cannot differentiate logic from stupidity or perhaps we don't want to.

At this point in my life I am happy to say that I do not need an airplane to make my wishes come true,All i do is ask God,with a pure heart..To give me the things he thinks i deserve and nothing more,and even if i do not deserve them,still give them to me..Only if he wishes.

Constant reminder

The great thing about writing is that it gives the reader the illusion of the mood the writer wants to portray..
I've heard that architects are told to design from what they know,likewise i use the same technique in writing.
Write from what you know..this can be anything,anything at all..my favorite is.. *drum roll*  personal experience.


I woke up today being reminded of the things I keep trying to let go off..
They say if you think about a person before going to bed,they'll come in your dreams..but I dint think about the person I dreamt of..
Its strange how dreams work..it makes everything feel so real. You wakeup and it feels like it actually happend..
No matter how hard you try,a dream like that will always bring you back to square one..
What happened to all the progress?
The feeling in my heart that was starting to feel better suddenly went back to how it used to be.. Just with one lousey dream!

There is no point in being strong,portraying yourself as someone who can "handle it" because we both kno that it only takes a small incident,until you have to try to be strong all over again.
All I wish for now is to have dreamless sleep tonight.

I would call this karma..maybe im learning a lesson,i probably fucked someone over once before so this is my lesson?
Its like just when you think your alright..something happens,and bam!
Karma is telling me "no,no,no sweetie you aren't getting over it that fast"
Its alright though..we all have to pay our dues,if after this im off the hook then i think that i can work with a dream or two from time to time..after all things can always be worse than they already are,so i might as well suck it up.

Just a few more steps..

The other day I came home after a long day of being outside,sat and thought about all the shit i did that day..mostly just thought about one thing actually..something i shouldn't have done..something that shouldn't have happened..
Since i wasn't feeling bad enough,I started to evaluate myself,judging the person i had become..

i once read "once you loose yourself,you have two choices..find the person you used to be,or loose that person completely because sometimes you have to step outside of the person you've been and remember the person you were meant to be..the person you wanted to be..the person you are" and I found myself constantly thinking about this quote..
The person I use to be is lost,long forgotten about..I surely did not want to be her because she was that person with someone else...it wasn't possible for her to exist on her own..
The characteristics that I was showing presently was of the person I use to be long time ago,suddenly she was back..that person made so many mistakes..that person was irresponsible and it took a great deal to step outside of her last time.

I see this picture in my mind of the person i want to be..the person I know I am..but it feels extremely difficult..
Have u ever had a dream that u could not remember? it feels like your mind knows the whole dream but isn't strong enough to show it again.
Its that kind of feeling..when u know exactly what u want..but it becomes vague.All it takes is a little strength.

We make mistakes because we are flawed,its a part of life..sometimes you need a wake up call and a mistake is exactly that.So don't beat yourself up,its ok to be disappointing for awhile but after that u just have to get over it..move on,and fix it.
And hopefully someday you'll wake up have no regrets,that is all we wish for anyway right?

Consistent therapy.

People that know me..know for a fact that i love to shop,and will do it any chance i get..but why do i do it so much?
Besides the fact tht i love to buy things,shoes and clothes and i like to follow the newest trends and to make my own trends if thts possible..its also a form of therapy for me.
When i'm walking around in a mall,going from store to store,looking at all these things that i want..it gives me a sense of freedom..lets me forget about everything that is going on around me and just focus on the piece of clothing in front of me.
The clarity in my mind at tht very moment is quite rare to find while doing other things..

Some say i'm a shopaholic,and to some level i might be..
Some say tht i don't value money,or don't value the things i own because i rarely wear it.
Truth is when i buy something..i buy it for myself,regardless of when i wear it,its mine,its no ones business.

If i were to sit in a therapist office and pore my heart out to him/her..would tht be money well spent?
whose to judge how i spend my money,and why shopping is like sitting in a therapist office..

Its an unexplainable feeling..to come home with something new and to put it on and just sit in it,it makes me happy..it makes me feel lighter inside.This might sound stupid but for that very moment when you're trying on wut u just bought,u forget about your problems..forget about anything thts bothering u..

You have to experience it to understand wut i mean..and it doesn't really work for everyone..

The point of this is..no matter how it looks like,there is always another reason for a person to behave in a particular way,atleast most of the time..dont be so quick on judging someone on their actions..there was a reason for the saying "dont judge a book by its cover"