Constant reminder

The great thing about writing is that it gives the reader the illusion of the mood the writer wants to portray..
I've heard that architects are told to design from what they know,likewise i use the same technique in writing.
Write from what you know..this can be anything,anything at all..my favorite is.. *drum roll*  personal experience.


I woke up today being reminded of the things I keep trying to let go off..
They say if you think about a person before going to bed,they'll come in your dreams..but I dint think about the person I dreamt of..
Its strange how dreams work..it makes everything feel so real. You wakeup and it feels like it actually happend..
No matter how hard you try,a dream like that will always bring you back to square one..
What happened to all the progress?
The feeling in my heart that was starting to feel better suddenly went back to how it used to be.. Just with one lousey dream!

There is no point in being strong,portraying yourself as someone who can "handle it" because we both kno that it only takes a small incident,until you have to try to be strong all over again.
All I wish for now is to have dreamless sleep tonight.

I would call this karma..maybe im learning a lesson,i probably fucked someone over once before so this is my lesson?
Its like just when you think your alright..something happens,and bam!
Karma is telling me "no,no,no sweetie you aren't getting over it that fast"
Its alright though..we all have to pay our dues,if after this im off the hook then i think that i can work with a dream or two from time to time..after all things can always be worse than they already are,so i might as well suck it up.

Just a few more steps..

The other day I came home after a long day of being outside,sat and thought about all the shit i did that day..mostly just thought about one thing actually..something i shouldn't have done..something that shouldn't have happened..
Since i wasn't feeling bad enough,I started to evaluate myself,judging the person i had become..

i once read "once you loose yourself,you have two choices..find the person you used to be,or loose that person completely because sometimes you have to step outside of the person you've been and remember the person you were meant to be..the person you wanted to be..the person you are" and I found myself constantly thinking about this quote..
The person I use to be is lost,long forgotten about..I surely did not want to be her because she was that person with someone else...it wasn't possible for her to exist on her own..
The characteristics that I was showing presently was of the person I use to be long time ago,suddenly she was back..that person made so many mistakes..that person was irresponsible and it took a great deal to step outside of her last time.

I see this picture in my mind of the person i want to be..the person I know I am..but it feels extremely difficult..
Have u ever had a dream that u could not remember? it feels like your mind knows the whole dream but isn't strong enough to show it again.
Its that kind of feeling..when u know exactly what u want..but it becomes vague.All it takes is a little strength.

We make mistakes because we are flawed,its a part of life..sometimes you need a wake up call and a mistake is exactly that.So don't beat yourself up,its ok to be disappointing for awhile but after that u just have to get over it..move on,and fix it.
And hopefully someday you'll wake up have no regrets,that is all we wish for anyway right?

Consistent therapy.

People that know me..know for a fact that i love to shop,and will do it any chance i get..but why do i do it so much?
Besides the fact tht i love to buy things,shoes and clothes and i like to follow the newest trends and to make my own trends if thts possible..its also a form of therapy for me.
When i'm walking around in a mall,going from store to store,looking at all these things that i want..it gives me a sense of freedom..lets me forget about everything that is going on around me and just focus on the piece of clothing in front of me.
The clarity in my mind at tht very moment is quite rare to find while doing other things..

Some say i'm a shopaholic,and to some level i might be..
Some say tht i don't value money,or don't value the things i own because i rarely wear it.
Truth is when i buy something..i buy it for myself,regardless of when i wear it,its mine,its no ones business.

If i were to sit in a therapist office and pore my heart out to him/her..would tht be money well spent?
whose to judge how i spend my money,and why shopping is like sitting in a therapist office..

Its an unexplainable feeling..to come home with something new and to put it on and just sit in it,it makes me happy..it makes me feel lighter inside.This might sound stupid but for that very moment when you're trying on wut u just bought,u forget about your problems..forget about anything thts bothering u..

You have to experience it to understand wut i mean..and it doesn't really work for everyone..

The point of this is..no matter how it looks like,there is always another reason for a person to behave in a particular way,atleast most of the time..dont be so quick on judging someone on their actions..there was a reason for the saying "dont judge a book by its cover"

token from the past.

They say that everything happens for a reason..we do things sometimes tht we don't really wna do..sometimes we say things tht we dnt really wna say..but in the end,when you're alone and you're thinking abt the events tht took place throughout your day u realize tht wutever happened tht day happened for a reason..it made a difference..there is no point in trying to change something tht has already happend,there is no point in that..and i guarantee tht u will be unsuccessful in that


Today I got something back,something that once meant a great deal to me..something that still means a great deal to me,it reminds me of all the promises that I was once a part of..It reminds me of him.
As i look down at it while i type,there seems to be a sudden calm..like my brain trying to organize every memory tht i had with him,so it can slowly play it one by one..
our mind plays nasty tricks on us sometimes..it gangs up with our heart and tries to make us feel things,like it just happened yesterday..


Sometimes i find myself asking stupid questions to myself..
Is it possible to have just one perfect person out there for everyone?
When uve had it all,it feels like thats it..there cant be anyone better..when ur with a person and it feels so right..how can it not be it? can there be better? what if i dont want better?
nobodies perfect to be honest.. but when u find a person perfect for u..i think tht person is ur soulmate..and there is no age limit.
Why wud god make so many matches for one person? He knws who is gna be perfect for whom.. God knows exactly wut u want..so maybe there are soulmates,just one perfect person out there for everyone.
Maybe u already found that person.. Maybe u lost em too..
But the beauty of it is,if that person is truely ur soulmate.. Maybe in the future, years frm now.. They'll come back to u..Maybe that's how u can be sure..
Nothing is certain,im guessing.. its all maybes.. but maybe i am right..
because if ur reading this and there is one person whose face keeps popping in ur head and when u lsn to a song and u can only relate it to one person and when sometimes your're just sitting,doing nothing and suddenly u find urself smiling to the thought of tht person..i guess thts how u kno if this shit is true or not.

Tonight,I look at this.. This token,frm my past and realize that I am no longer the same person that once received it...
It feels like I'm looking back into the past..with all these memories flashing back in my head,and suddenly I'm there..Once again.. Feeling everything,being a part of that amazing feeling,and somehow i cannot relate to them anymore,they are my memories ..but it feels like another person has lived them..
i know ive changed but up until now i hadnt realised why i changed..there was nothing wrong with me..sometimes ppl change unintentionally because they growup or wutever..
but i changed cause i had to..i was so used to someone being a part of me..we were two ppl but it felt like one..so when after tht its just u again.. i guess u have to change right ?
how can u exist there on ur own when tht place was shared by two ppl? it was time to let it go..try to be me again..all of me.

happiness will wait.

I remember saying "Nothing is definite..so why waste our time in loving someone when tomorrow it can all be washd away..wuts the point in fighting for someone or something when u can probably die the next second? Wuts the reason behind it all..?"
Well the reason behind it all is happiness.

You do things without thinking..but to be honest,u never kno the end to anything..
Wut the fuck wud u have by over thinking abt something that might never even happen?
Alright,so ur love ended.. Wut did u get frm it?
U got memories,u got experience.. U got love.. The moment in time when ur soul and another soul were one. Did u ask why u were there then? No,because u were happy..
So why question shit when ur unhappy?   Its part of life,ups and downs..if ur happy then u have to be
unhappy too afterwards.. Its the balance..too much happiness isn't good for u.. Neither is too much sorrow.

When love ends..dnt just focus all ur energy on the sadness,I'm not saying not to grieve..but just remember how happy u were.. And be happy, that once In ur life u had no care in the world.. U were loved and u loved someone with no bad intentions..it was sacred and pure.That's rare.. So be happy that u found love,because it doesn't find everyone.. And in the middle of all that, grieve because ur love is gone.
Dnt be upset for too long.. Happiness is always around the corner,its the balance in life..because if u forget to look around and smile frm time to time,ull forget that there's always a light at the end of the tunnel.

morbid? perhaps.

I'm the type of person,no matter how great things are going always picture the worst..in the end its gna be u standing there,alone...why not just anticipate this crap?

No one can truly be trusted..hypothetically u trust this guy..or u kno wut let's turn it around..

Hypothetically someone trusts u with their heart..I think that's the biggest deal,the most u can trust someone with.

Property,money,ideas these things are all materialistic..stuff used to survive in this world..but your heart...that's your own..even if u have nothing..ull have your heart..

So then someone trusts u with their heart right...and up until recently u thought not to elevate the romance and end it there,because there is no future..wut did u do?

U broke that persons heart and in return broke their trust.

Everyone is gna fuckin disapoint u,leave u..break your fuckin heart..

So trust no one..because in the end,its gna be you..just you againt the world.

I might sound bitter and depressed..truth is I'm very happy.

Recently I discovered that humans can die of a broken heart,I thought that applied just for elephants..but its not true.

U see your heart is fragile...why put it on the line? I shud consider myself a hypocrite right abt now because I've trusted someone with my heart..I gave it to him and belived him when he said that he will not break it..

But the thing is..even tho I say all these things about not trusting someone, and still end up trusting a person..I'm still careful,because I expect the worst..well atleast most of the time..

People aren't evil,most of the time they dnt intentionally wna fuck someone over,it just happens..its a human quality,nobody is perfect..everyone makes mistakes,and some of those misttakes are unforgivable..

But if u love someone,deeply..with ur soul,you will find a way to forget abt it..and to forgive that person.

Your life is only gna be as exciting as u make it..by the chances u take..dnt expect shit to just happen..you’re gna have to make it happen..

U wna fall in love? Go find love..

U wna be rich? Go find a way to do that..

I'm all abt dancing in the rain but the truth is,I am shit scared..I dnt wna die frm a broken heart and even if I dnt endup dying..who's to kno that I'd be strong enough for the storm the next time it comes to town?